


it has to be now

by lesdeuxarbres



Category: Holby City
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Character Death Fix, F/M, Mutual Pining, Roxanna lives!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 16:05:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16140710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesdeuxarbres/pseuds/lesdeuxarbres
Summary: Between the two of them, they had a lot of baggage to carry. But is the weight of the past holding them back?If Roxanna could not find her ever-present courage, this time, maybe it was up to him. Maybe, it was Henrik's turn to be the courageous one, to lift her up where she had lifted him in the past so many times before.





	it has to be now

The door of the staffroom swings open suddenly. Henrik looks up from the table slightly startled by the intrusion of his solitude. His face becomes bemused when he sees it’s Roxanna. The chaos always threatening his control.

“We need to talk.” There is a determined tone in her voice, but it’s laced with uncertainty.

“Ok.” He says slowly and carefully. Henrik waits for her to continue, but he sees the struggle in Roxanna’s expression. She turns away from him to look out the window. “Roxanna, are you alright?” His forehead frowning with concern as his initial amusement quickly evaporates.

Lately, things had slowly resumed to a semblance of normalcy within the hospital. The traumatic events of the last few months still with them of course, especially with himself and Roxanna. But slowly and surely they had both been making progress towards moving on and putting John Gaskell behind them.

Things had been briefly awkward between them as they discovered the extent and depth of John’s manipulations. Their mutual concern for each other’s wellbeing had allowed them to move past the awkwardness. But the underlying current of what they might have been to each other in their youth was always with them.

“Yes.” She replies automatically, but her heart isn’t in it, and she is still looking outside.

Roxanna turns suddenly to face him. “Actually no, Henrik. I’m not ok.” Her voice has an uncharacteristic waver to it. She seemed to be talking against her own will. “I’m scared....No, not scared, I’m terrified. Something is happening between us. I know you see it too.” Her expression is wary and apprehensive. "We need to discuss this before it gets out of hand.”

Henrik immediately tenses at her words. He knows what she speaks of, of course. They had been spending more and more time together. It was only natural. Their many decades of friendship as comfortable as an old jumper. Frayed and world-weary but ultimately providing more warmth and comfort than anything else.

His mind wanders to the dinner they had shared last night. Both of them had been delayed by unexpected surgeries. Neither of them relieved of their duties until close to midnight. Roxanna had ordered pizza for them to eat before heading to their respective homes. She knew he would never decline to share a meal with her, despite his protestations of her unhealthy choice of food.

Perhaps it was because they were both exhausted from the day. Or maybe was the low light in the hospital, dimmed due to the night shift. He had let himself become too unguarded around her. In the past, the knowledge that she belonged to David had always kept his thoughts in check. She had undoubtedly never seemed more mesmerising to Henrik. The natural brightness of her skin illuminated, in the mixed glow of the dimmed hospital lights and the moonlight shining in through the window. Roxanna’s soft smile as she teased him about the presence of tomatoes on the pizza. Henrik had found himself paralysed mid-conversation.

She had looked up from her slice of pizza and noticed his unwavering gaze. There was a sudden shift in the air as their eyes met. Roxanna’s green eyes had darkened, their earlier playfulness lost as they had bored into his. He could hear the thumping of his heart in his ears as he tried to calm his nerves to speak.

Henrik had been spared further agony as an unexpected knock on the door interrupted them. Patricia, one of the cleaners was doing her rounds. The unwelcomed intrusion quickly allowed them to gather themselves. Roxanna had promptly murmured a farewell without looking at him before heading towards the door. Her face was flushed and her hands unsteady as she gathered her belongings and made her exit.

“It’s been happening more and more often.” Roxanna’s voice propels Henrik back into the present.

“I know,” Henrik says tiredly. He removes his glasses to rub his eyes and stands from the table to stand in front of her. She steps closer to him to grab hold of one his hands.

“You’re my best friend. And there is no one else left in this world I care more about.” Her grip on his hand is tight, almost as she's afraid he might suddenly disappear “The thought of losing you....losing your friendship is unbearable. Especially, not after everything we've been through.” Roxanna’s tone has both weariness and melancholy edge to it.

“You will never lose my friendship, Roxanna.“ He uses both hands to squeeze hers. "No matter what happens, I will always be here for you, and you will never be alone.” There is a slight shininess to her eyes as she reaches up to kiss his cheek chastely and wrap her arms around him. He returns her embrace fully and rests his chin on the top of her head.

She turns her head so it's slightly buried in his shoulder and she says quietly. “I know you love me. I love you too. I think, in a way, I always have, but it feels different now. I think we may have let ourselves fall in love with other.” Roxanna sounds distraught as the words tumble out.

“You say it, as though it's a bad thing.” Henrik knows he's been in love with her longer than he can remember.

“But are you truly in love with me? Or are you in love with a girl you met thirty years ago? I’m not that same girl anymore. Sometimes, I barely recognise her.” She let go of his hand and started pacing in front of him.

"If we let ourselves go forward with this, are you going to be disappointed with who I am now? What will happen then? Hmm… I’m not sure I could stand our friendship fading away to indifference. What if you decide loving me up close is too chaotic, perhaps it has always been easier for us to love each other from afar.“ She was on a roll now and if he ever wanted to get a word in he was going to have to stop her. It felt they were the on the edge of something, but he was never certain the cards would fall in their favour.

He tugs on her shirt as she made to pass him once more. Now was the time, he thought. If he was ever going to be brave, it had to be now. "And you? Are you in love with me or the boy I used to be? I know I love you. I know I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time. Sometimes I see the girl I met 30 years ago, but she isn’t always there, but I love all of you." He cups her face with both hands and gently strokes it. "I"m terrified too. It would be too much to lose you now, after everything that has happened."

“When I look at you, I still see the boy I met in Boston. The man you’ve become is slightly different, but you're still him. You're still Henrik. I adored you back then… loved you, even…. And I'm in love with you now. I can't imagine ever being disappointed by you."

"I"m not so sure about the last part, I know I can disappoint myself a fair bit."

“That's because you're too hard on yourself. Always have been.”

Henrik can see Roxanna was finding the indecision hard. It was so unlike her, a testament deeply she had been wounded by the tragedies of the last year. Perhaps this was the moment. If Roxanna could not find her ever-present courage, this time, maybe it was up to him. Maybe, it was Henrik's turn to be the courageous one, to lift her up where she had lifted him in the past so many times before.

He leans forward and places a soft kiss on the skin below her eyes, Roxanna's eyes immediately flutter shut, and she arches instinctively into him. Henrik can feel and hear her sharp intake of breath as he slowly trails gentle kisses across the planes of her face. He stills when he reaches her lips, hesitant to make the final leap. In the end, he doesn't have to, as it's Roxanna who closes the gap between them.

She is tentative and unsure, testing the waters as she brushes their lips together. The contact is feather-light, but it’s enough to kindle something in Henrik that he can’t quite describe. His heart is pounding in his ears, and the only thing he can think is _yes, more_. He tilts her head upwards towards him and tries to increase the contact as their lips moved against one another.

Roxanna let's out a small keen, and it's enough to set Henrik's blood alight. He deepens the kiss to try to get more access, to be closer to her….he feels like he could never be close enough. Roxanna is of the same mind, and he can hear himself moan as their tongues start to dance with one another. He can feel her arms clinging to his waist, also trying to pull him closer. He steps forward to help, and he realises Roxanna has her back right against the kitchen bench. His arms go around her shoulders so that he kiss her more thoroughly.

They jump apart suddenly when they hear a crash behind Roxanna. Henrik's long arm has elbowed a stray glass into the sink.

Henrik looks at Roxanna, her face is flushed, and her eyes so dilated he can barely see the green in them. She is breathing heavily both from their activities and the shock of the interruption. He can still feel his heart beating furiously in his chest. Can still feel the lingering heat from their embrace. They're still standing close to one another as they both try to catch their breaths.

It's Henrik who breaks the silence between them.

“Roxanna, what were you trying to achieve when you burst through those doors.”

“I don't know, I didn't really have a plan. I just knew I had to do something.”

“Roxanna... If you tell me now that we're never going to be more than friends, I will deal with it. I'd rather just be your friend than not have you at all.” He would be crushed, of course, but the idea of not having Roxanna at all seemed so much worse.

“It that what you had to do before? It must have hurt you to see me with David”

_David_ …. well it is was only a matter of time before they had to talk about the proverbial elephant in the room.

"It did at the beginning. I found it hard to like him at first but only because he dared to do what I couldn't….to act on his feelings for you..…But David was so charming and likable, and he loved you so much. It was hard to hate a man who was so utterly devoted to you and made you so happy.”

More than not hate him, Henrik came to love David too. David who thought the world of Roxanna, who was brilliant in his own right. Who ensured Roxanna would have the happiest of marriages and never be left wondering if she was loved.

"After everything that has happened, sometimes I doubt my own memories. I know I loved David, but now I worry that maybe, just maybe I didn't love him enough, that I just went along with it because it was easy. And I hate myself for it because he didn't deserve that.”

Henrik feels a tightening in his chest at her words and knows exactly who is to blame. “Don't Roxanna. Don't let John tarnish your memories of David.”

He holds her by the shoulders and crouches down so that he can look her in the eye. “You loved him. I saw that you did, if I had thought for a moment you didn't, I wouldn't have tried so hard to like him….to be his friend. He was the happiest man alive because he knew that you loved him.”

Roxanna looks sadly at him. “I don't think I deserve either one of you.”

Henrik strokes her cheek gently with his thumb. “That is the most foolish thing your brilliant mind has ever come up with.”

Roxanna sighs unhappily. “I feel like, we've gone around in circles, and we're back at square one."

“Roxanna, no matter what we do and how we go forward, we have to accept the past. It has to come with us.”

“I know. You're right. Of course, you're right.”

She looks up at him and places her hand over the one he has on her cheek. Her face stills seemed tormented with indecision, but looking at him seems to soften her expression.

“I love you.” It almost seems like a relief for her say it out loud.

“I know, I love you too.”

“I'm scared, Henrik. Truly scared....But I think I also want this, want you.….all of you.”

Henrik's mouth has gone completely dry, but he tries to speak anyway, “Roxanna….”

“No. Let me finish. Before I lose my nerve…. I want to have all of you….but I need to remember how to be brave. I think, I can be brave…..but I need you to be brave with me.”

“Will you be brave with me?”

Henrik needs a moment to gather himself to respond, but he can't run the risk of Roxanna misinterpreting his response. He leans forward to kiss her forehead; his eyes are closed as he tries to compose himself. He lets out the breath he had been holding.

"Yes....Of course...yes." He murmurs breathlessly against her skin.

Henrik finds himself engulfed in a crushing embrace, Roxanna clinging onto him so tightly, he can barely breathe. He returns the sentiment completely and lifts her slightly off the ground in an effort to be closer to her.

There are tears on her face when she looks at him again.

"What do we do now?"

"I think, I should probably take you out to dinner sometime."

After all that had transpired, her ringing laughter feels like a tonic he'd been waiting forever to hear.

"Sometime?"

"Tonight?"

"That's better."


End file.
